EXTREME ADRENLINE Travel Channel
I had the pleasure of hosting the fourteen DUMBEST GUYS in the
Country this past weekend for a major HOOT here on the first day of winter.
Stupid beyond words for buying into my silver tongued BULLSHIT, they converged here Saturday afternoon and began prepping boats and rehearsing demanding, specific tasks for the big event the following morning.
All had done courses at Extreme SEAL before except the brother of
one guy who was a Navy SAR Swimmer. I was sure with his SAR Training he’d do
Their ages ranged from 16 to 40 years old, and all were just gluttons for punishment.
Knowing these guys from past courses, I’m sure the thought of Diane’s cooking outweighed them knowing that they’d regret the decision to participate within minutes of the evolution beginning.
After lengthy briefings, and a full belly that night, all drifted to sleep in a warm cabin, as the temperatures outside began to plummet, and a heavy rain began to fall.
Ten Bears, the Class Leader for the day, and a record holder for the most Hell Nights done at Extreme SEAL, woke the guys at 0530, and each man began an uneasy joking about the bitter weather outside while applying cammie face paint.
I conducted another brief for the complex day, and soon the camera crew arrived.
The Producer and her cameraman flew in from L.A. the night before,
and the soundwoman for the days shoot was a local girl who arrived a short
while later, dressed like she was going to a Discotheque.
I left the cabin pissed soon after the Producer informed her what she’d be doing that day.
Her reply to the Producer was WERE DOING WHAT?
Instructor Ben took the guys down to Bobs Fishing Hole to get set up, while I did a lengthy interview explaining the day’s events, when all of the sudden the rain stopped SHIT...
While the camera and sound folks set up, I informed the Producer that today would be a day of ADRENLIN and TESTOSTERONE for all involved and that I have a Sailor Mouth that few can equal when I get pumped.
How will my tirade of expletives affect the show? I asked
She quickly replied, Were a Family Show!
I replied back simply with F**k
Soon she informed me that they were set up and ready, as Instructor Ben and me loitered with the guys joking around. I screamed the word DROPPPP as soon as I heard ready, sending the Producer about three feet in the air, and the misery began for the Stupid Ones.
Mother Nature decided to wear a strap-on soon after we started, as she sent us a blessed deluge from the sky above, and bent the guys over slamming home her fury on the miserable bunch with heavy rain.
Pushups, Flutter Kicks, Log PT, Boat Races, and Bear Crawls, all
while Instructor Ben used the hose on the brisk winter morning, rewarding the
winners, and paying extra special attention to the losers.
I had kinda jokingly told the guys before we started, If you’re gonna puke, please inform the cameraman.
We had a couple pukers quickly, making for some excellent TV viewing when the show airs.
Ten Bears led the Class for a run to the Tar Pits while the
cameras set up for that nightmare.
Discovering the Tar Pits years ago, I use the stagnant pond because of the insulating properties of the foul slime that covers it. Even in mid-August, the pond stays very cold.
In mid-December it’s beyond any words to describe miserable cold and gut-wrenching stench.
With the Class frolicking in the Tar Pits until I tired, we moved
them to the Gladiatorial Pits for Mortal Combat in the bitter cold mud, and
Flight Quarters in the icy Pool to clean them up afterwards.
Jay and a couple guys were tasked to start a fire using a flint and steel and I knew we were in trouble when I saw Jay struggling to break apart a soft cattail head for tinder with his numb, useless hands.
As the cameraman filmed the guys shaking wildly, steam rising off the huddled, sardine packed class for warmth, I ended the morning events and sent the class to the cabin for a change of clothes and lunch.
They HAULED ASS and disappeared in seconds
Dave swung his Helo into the tight landing zone by the cabin at
noon, blowing over the outhouse.
A very quick lunch, and a final briefing for the afternoon events, much of the days filming would be completely in the hands of the Dumb Bastards who would have to Make the Call on their own.
At 1310 the Helo lifted off carrying two studs to hit the back of
the Target, while I had three with me in the Tomcar to hit the front.
Three pipe-swingers went with Instructor Ben in another vehicle that included Rob who was leading the Mission. Robs job was to hit the front door of the Target and capture the occupants inside with his Team alive.
Chesapeake, Virginia is a sleepy, country town, and many residents idea of a good time is sitting on the front porch waiving at traffic. The last thing they expect to see on a Sunday afternoon is a convoy of machine gun carrying, balaclava-wearing THUGS, followed by a Helicopter down the streets.
They don’t mind much though; it gives them something to talk about at the Cracker Barrel the next morning.
We BLASTED the Target at high speed from all sides, and quickly subdued the bad guys outside, and Rob led his Team into the house and soon found who they were looking for.
After being thrown over furniture, and smashed into drywall, Robs
Team quickly figured out the woman they were after was no slouch and a fighter,
and it took all of them to subdue her in the tight room.
Looking up the hallway, all I saw was the sound girl get caught in the middle of the brawl, and thrown from the room, hitting the hallway wall HARD
With all the prisoners secured outside, we continued with the second phase of the scenario. One of the bad guys we were after, had escaped with his bodyguard in a 4x4, and we’d need to go after them.
Vehicle Interdiction style
While we reset for the chase, Dave lifted the Helo for a bit of
Sniping for the show. Above my head hovered the Helo with the young shooter;
his targets were three mannequins 150 feet away.
With his AR and live 5.56 rounds, I waited for the report from the rifle. When I heard it, I’d touch off an explosive charge on the chest of each mannequin.
It should make excellent viewing for the young ones at home on the family oriented show, as each mannequin looked like it was being hit with artillery rounds, and complete with a thick red dye that filled the air
The Sniping was a lead into the chase scenes for the Vehicle Interdiction’s.
I loaded the back seats of the Helo with two bad-asses as Snipers, and placed the Producer in front with a camera. I pumped up Dave the Pilot one final time to Do his THING, but it’s never necessary as Dave fly’s his Helo like few other Pilots and has an impressive flight log.
Mild mannered, Dave is always a class hit with the trainees during the courses with his hair-raising, aggressive flying, and no one gets out of his Helo without a huge smile and muttering the words HOLY SHIT.
As Dave lifted off, I signaled the bodyguard to drive the 4x4 like he STOLE IT, and our intended target rode shotgun with him. The dirt road for the stunt ran a mile to the river, and was a flooded, muddy, mess.
With the gas pedal to the floor, mud and water flew 15-feet in the air, and the chase was on down its long, soupy path.
Dave had his Helo on the 4x4 like a Bum on a Bologna Sandwich, and
pulled some incredible stunts as we watched and cheered. At specific points
along the road, the Snipers fired an M-14 with a blank round at the 4x4 while
the occupant bad guys lit smoke grenades that billowed behind the vehicle
before it rolled to a stop, and simulated a Hit to the engine block.
Dave landed the Helo, and the Snipers wrapped up the bad guys inside.
After four perfect runs, and a 4x4 that held enough mud to build an Adobe House, we un-assed the Target and sped to Bobs Fishing Hole and the awaiting boats.
In position quickly, Instructor Ben and five Balaclava wearing class commandos acted as a boarding boat that laid in wait, while I had a cameraman in my Zodiac to capture the action.
Around a bend in the river, I soon saw the Helo in hot pursuit of the bad guys in a fast boat heading our way. A crack of the M-14 from the Helo, and the boat slowed to a drift. Ben and the boarding party quickly came alongside and hammered the bad guys to the deck.
After a fantastic four hair-raising chase scenes on the river, we headed back to Bobs.
We needed seven more dumb-asses for a Helo cast into the bitter cold water, and had no shortage of dimwits willing to do it. 15 feet, 15 knots, the guys still reeling from the cold morning, leapt from the Helo into the frigid water below and swam to shore with idiotic smiles on each frozen face.
Back at the cabin, we fired some flares, pistols, and shotguns for the shows conclusion.
Rob fired the last round; made sure the weapon was clear, and yelled Were Done.
At the word Done, I sat down on a bale of hay, popped the top on a cold beer and took a long pull from the can of cold barley soup.
We had, in ten hours, Flawlessly, and safely completed the most complex operation ever done here, and did it all with the dumbest guys I could find to volunteer.
I’ve been on about how stupid the guys were for volunteering to help with the show, and they were.
Anyone who comes here for a course aint Quite Right to begin with
Anyone who has been here before, and comes again, earns a classification of REALLY STUPID.
But the really, REALLY, dumb guys, are the ones who have been here before, and come back on a cold winter day, knowing the frigid ass-beating that’s going to ensue.
To properly, and safely execute a perfect plan requires three elements.
Experience Careful Planning... Detailed Briefings with Rehearsals.
The only other thing you need are 14 of the DUMBEST bad-asses you can get, and COUNT ON, to get the job done no matter how painful or dynamic the evolution is
That sure sounds like SEAL Team to me
The guys that came, had for the most part been in different 2008 courses and didn’t know, or had not worked with each other before. It didn’t matter and I knew it wouldn’t.
All had shared a common experience here during the courses that they would never forget, and the hustle, deep concentration, teamwork, and get the job done attitude came out of every man.
While is SUCKED in a big way for much of the day, the afternoon was unparalleled FUN, with much mugging for the cameras by each man, and a great meal with many beers afterward.
To Ten Bears, Jay, Rob, James, Brett, Aaron, Buddy, Bryan, Matt, Brian, Dillon, Matt H, Bill, and Gray No SEAL Platoon could have done any better of a job than you guys did.
Well Done Winter Warriors. Very well done
The show airs this summer on the Travel Channel and titled Extreme Adrenaline.